I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
