I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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