all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
