I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
