I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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