NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
