dude i'm inner monologue high
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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