Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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