I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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