She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
