sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
