Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
