the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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