Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
