aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
