dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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