she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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