no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
