Where did you get a picture of my penis
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
