she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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