Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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