I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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