You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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