I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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