I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
