I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
