I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
