I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
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