Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
