I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
