the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
