I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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