Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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