I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
