Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
