You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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