I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
time to smoke my breakfast
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
PS: I just woke up from my shower
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
40s are totally the cure
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
