It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
