Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
do nipples grow back?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
