I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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