oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
