I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
