he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
