dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
