I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
