I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
