Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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