I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
