somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
