so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
