just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
