Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
